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Lose the Emotion and Up Your Communication Game!
Have you ever found yourself in conversation with someone, nodding along in agreement with what they’re saying, while your mind is saying, “No way!?”
Or have you ever walked away from a conversation wondering if the other person was upset with you or just having a bad day?
Perhaps you’ve sent a text message that was meant to be funny, only to have the other person take it seriously, or you’ve been on the receiving end of a joke that felt more like a jab.
Communication is central to, well, everything. It all comes down to communication—something we all do every day, with varying degrees of success. The thing is, your success at communicating is directly related to your success at work, in your relationships, and in life in general. Since the first cave dweller used grunts and gestures to tell his pal to run from a charging wildebeest, successful communication has been critical to humans.
You’d think with so much at stake we’d all be terrific communicators. But sadly, most of us stumble into miscommunications every day. This is because we bring our own agendas, moods, and emotions to every encounter and that tends to affect our communication style.
There are five styles of communication generally accepted by experts. Knowing what these styles look like—and how to identify them—can help us up our communication game.
- Passive Communication: During passive communication (also known as submissive communication), communicators do not express their honest opinions. A passive communicator may refrain from communicating at all to avoid conflict or judgment. When you always go with the flow, no matter how you feel, you might be using passive communication. Picture this: Your friend suggests pizza for the third night in a row, and you say ‘okay’ even though you’re craving sushi.
- Passive-Aggressive Communication: People who communicate with this style tend to hold on to negative emotions and let them affect their actions, which can cause confusion and resentment. A classic passive-aggressive response is “whatever,” often delivered with a tight smile. An example of nonverbal passive-aggressive communication is agreeing to pizza for dinner, but then picking at one slice to show your dissatisfaction.
- Aggressive Communication: This communication style often appears competitive and can make the communicator appear combative, resulting in a hostile environment. If you tend to ask for things in a demanding way that makes others back down, you are likely communicating with an aggressive style. Aggressive communication can be nonverbal, as well, like taking the last slice of pizza without asking if anyone else wants it.
- Manipulative Communication: The manipulative communication style is hard to pinpoint at first, as those who employ this style use subtlety, distraction, and cunning to influence outcomes. Manipulative communicators won’t say what they mean or how they feel but will say whatever will help them achieve their goals. A manipulative communicator might say, “Haven’t you been talking about eating healthier? Pizza probably isn’t the best idea. How about sushi?”
- Assertive Communication: This communication style is like a well-balanced dinner plate—pleasant, healthy, and satisfying. Assertive communicators are confident while also being respectful of others’ thoughts and feelings, creating space for honest conversations and healthy connections. Assertive communicators often find a compromise: “How about pizza tonight and sushi tomorrow?’”
What Type of Communicator Are You?
First, as you can see, communication styles are not like personality types, where the categories are descriptive, but equal in merit. All the styles, other than the “assertive style of communication,” are generally less than ideal for one party or another. It would be terrific if we were all assertive communicators—respectful, open-minded, honest, and willing to compromise—all the time.
Yet most of us can probably recognize ourselves in each of these styles, depending on the occasion. Many of us can be assertive communicators at work but find it more difficult to do so in other situations, perhaps with family or with a romantic partner. Other times we make conscious decisions to adopt a certain style for good reasons. People who seem to always get their way may choose to be passive in certain situations to change the balance of power. And parents can’t be faulted for sometimes using a little manipulation to help their children make better choices.
Problems arise when our communication tendencies are not yielding positive results. An employee who feels overlooked or minimized at work may adopt a passive-aggressive communication style to show displeasure without appearing overtly upset. But more often than not, that style will begin to alienate co-workers and make matters worse.
To figure out your communication patterns, take a few moments to reflect on your usual responses in different situations. Ask yourself questions like, “How do I usually respond when I don’t get my way? Do I speak up, stay silent, or make a joke but feel irritated inside?” How do you behave when you are trying to persuade another party? Are you aggressive? Manipulative? Has it been working for you?
Paying attention to how you communicate with different people and in various situations will offer valuable insight into your communication patterns. Perhaps you notice that you can be assertive when talking with someone you don’t know well but tend to be submissive when it comes to your family.
Those Pesky Emotions
When you deconstruct your communication patterns, one thing will always be true. If you are doing anything other than communicating “assertively,” there is some emotion getting in the way.
With passive communication, the emotion is often fear. Consistently putting the needs of others first, to your detriment, is often a sign that you are afraid of rejection or conflict (which, of course, could lead to rejection).
If you are a passive-aggressive communicator, you are sprinkling some hurt or anger on that fear, due to being upset or annoyed that your needs are not being met, and you want people to know about it. But you do not want to make yourself vulnerable by explaining how you feel in case your worst fears are realized—that you are not worthy of having your needs met. You may be acting like a jerk, but at least you are not being rejected.
Aggressive communicators often need to be in charge and are afraid that won’t happen unless they force the issue. Aggressive communicators may be angry, or they may be insecure and overcompensating. If it isn’t a pattern, they may simply be in a big hurry. If you find yourself constantly using the word “I” instead of we, and communicating in directives instead of sentences, you may be an aggressive communicator. Aggressive communicators are the ones most likely to trigger a mutiny.
If you are a manipulative communicator, you don’t need anyone to tell you so. Instead, ask yourself why you think you need manipulation rather than a well-laid-out line of reasoning to get people to see things your way. Salespeople who manipulate are often selling something they don’t believe will sell on its own merits. It’s worth asking yourself if the ends justify the means, because manipulators often lose the trust of others.
A little self-awareness can certainly help you figure out how you use different communication styles in various situations. If you can separate your emotions and insecurities from the issues at hand, you can eliminate the need for any lesser style of communicating. More importantly, understanding these styles, and the emotions behind them, will go a long way toward helping you respond productively when you are on the receiving end of these types of communications.
What About “The Other Guy?”
This is where the magic happens! Once you can identify each of these communication styles, you can achieve a deeper understanding of the motivations of those on the other side of your conversations. Responding with insight and empathy is the single most effective communication tool.
Consider aggressive communicators. They need to feel powerful, so make them feel that way. Use your side of the conversation to reinforce the idea that they are important. This begins to dissipate the need for aggression. Your ability to do this gives you great power and allows for a much more positive and productive interaction.
Passive and passive-aggressive communicators need to know that their thoughts matter and will be considered without judgment. Asking, “If there were no constraints, what would you do?” is a great way to draw someone out with an imaginary scenario that doesn’t carry the same high emotional stakes as the issue at hand. Once the need to be heard is met, the dysfunctional communication style becomes less necessary.
Of course, all that empathetic analysis is easier to describe than to accomplish, because we have our own emotions to deal with. We often feel disrespected by an aggressive communicator. Passive and passive-aggressive communicators may make us feel confused or hurt. Manipulators almost always make us feel uncomfortable.
Not to worry. We’ve got some solid tips on how to rise above the dysfunction and become a more effective communicator.
Avoid Personalizing the Issue: If you remember nothing else, remember this. All dysfunctional communication stems from some negative emotion that has absolutely nothing to do with you. For example, if a colleague harshly criticizes your approach to a project during a team meeting, you might respond, “Let’s figure out how to fix this. What do you think?” It is so easy to feel humiliated, defensive, and even angry. But if you remember that your colleague’s attack has little to do with you and more to do with his/her own fear or insecurity, it is easy to brush past the insult and start solving the problem.
Listen Actively: Active listening involves being fully engaged in the conversation, listening attentively, and rephrasing what the other person has said to make sure you understand. Ask a question to allow the person to be more specific. This takes you out of your own head and helps diffuse negative emotions on the other side by showing that you are engaged and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Show that the other person has your undivided attention and truly give it to them. You may find that you pick up a meaningful nuance or two.
Use “I” Statements: Great communicators understand the magic of “I” statements in resolving and avoiding conflict. Imagine a teammate leaving work for the day before a project has been completed. You might want to say, “You abandoned me!” But saying, “I feel so much better when we finish these things together so that we get the benefit of both our brains,” gets the point across and shows your teammate that you value their input.
Accept and Validate: Healthy communication means accepting and validating the other person’s opinions and feelings, even if you don’t always agree. By showing acceptance and understanding, you eliminate concerns about judgment that often create dysfunctional communication. It sounds a little like therapy, but in the real world saying “I think I understand what you mean” goes a long way and doesn’t take away from your opinion.
The Bottom Line on Communication Styles
Communication is a constant in our lives, and we can’t get much done without it. Communication can also stop progress and leave a lot of bad feelings in its wake. Healthy communication, known as assertive communication, is ideal but not necessarily common. Our emotions often hinder our ability to communicate effectively, and we may find ourselves resorting to four common but dysfunctional styles:
- Passive/Submissive
- Passive-aggressive
- Aggressive
- Manipulative
The good news is that once we recognize these behaviors in ourselves, we can easily identify and diffuse them in others. Offering your full attention, some empathy, and some support will go a long way towards upgrading all your communications. The most important thing to remember is that the emotions behind dysfunctional communication styles have nothing to do with you, so don’t internalize them and don’t respond to them. Your interactions with other humans will be so much better for it.
